To Lead, or Be Led...For Ourselves or For Others?

The largest part of my SL has been spent in world with one person. The saga spans about 2 years...on and off, with various break ups, trials, and of course, tribulations. The conclusion of all things important have now turned inward as I have spent this time analyzing myself and my constants throughout this period of time. Strangers, as we all begin in SL, are just extensions of an ever expanding universe. An extension of a further family as we all are connected in the greater scheme of lives. In a virtual world, it is difficult for some of us to ascertain the "game" in it as we connect, re-connect, and our core "person" remains a direct reflection of our real selves.

We begin at birth, knowing and remembering those closest to us. Parents, siblings, friends....all connected by time, closeness, and love. As our lives progress, we continue to meet and nurture our relationships outside of that initial core. We may see things in people, they don't even see in themselves. We connect, disconnect and at times dissolve those relationships either by choice or by fate. In mine, it has happened by both means...usually by choice, rarely by fate.

I never understood, how people between two computers could connect and have a relationship, as SL is my initial chat client, but now have a better understanding of how these things happen and perpetuate out of control. How the emotions and feelings cut through our very souls, hitting those brain receptors that give us the most pleasant of experiences. The absolute need to return over and over again, to feel, experience, and yes interact with those closest to us.

But, with all of the good feelings there is a flip side as we immerse ourselves into a very virtual world, there also is a despondent reaction when those interactions are done without circumvent and prudence and you feel as if you are beginning to drown, and your SL as a whole becomes absolutely unbearable. The significance of people and of one person, the one that we align as extensions of "us" can bring you tears and a horrific deep sadness as we roam around the mega-verse carrying those last words trying to understand how and why they were said. Those feelings are "ours" but hit the same receptors as the pleasurable one. The absolute confusion of personalities, the inadequate ability to be able to articulate all the thoughts and emotions that one person may cause another takes you to a frustration that is beyond anything I have experienced before.

It has taken over 2 years with so much intermittent commotion with a continuation of thought regarding my own escalated emotions, I can not begin to explain how it remains so befuddled. The Real Life feelings will remain embedded with me for the rest of my life, as will all the various other emotions, but the negative ones, those will fade with time. I always long and yearn for the touch, the kind words, the intelligence, all that elate those wonderful receptors that give me such a pleasurable experience. I also choose to disembark from those particular emotions that lead me to places within myself that bring me to such chaotic thought and emotional mayhem. It is time for me to lead for myself and not be led by the impudent remarks and unjustified interactions of anyone else.